Green

Acceptance and green.

Today I found my mind continually comparing me with others. Although I attempt to accept me, underneath I really don't The voice in my mind continues to tell me that I am too fat, too ugly, too poor for a man to want to have a long term relationship with me. I continually tell myself that I am unlovable, undesirable. Today I heard the voice more clearly, my resistance to changing my appearance by changing my eating habits, exercising habits because I have done all this in the past and it didn't work, he still didn't choose me. So when I think I should give this up and maybe just maybe things will all turn out okay, I hear another voice proclaiming haven't you given up enough. I haven't had an long term intimate relationship with a man for over 11 years now. Why because I keep telling myself I am not pretty enough, youth has gone, the time when I was pretty and attractive I didn't know it, I continually chased after a man who didn't want me, now youth has faded. I tell myself I have addressed my demons but I don't believe I have, I run from them and hide behind excuses that no one else but me know what they are. Does fear still rule where I profess it doesn't. Fear of what I ask. Fear of rejection, fear that I am unworthy, fear that I am too fat, fear that I am too ugly so I run and hide, I might expose me if I get close to another and they won't like me and I then find myself totally alone. Fear of having to give so much that I loose myself. No matter what others may think or say it me that needs to accept, but how do I do that, how do I integrate total acceptance and really love the person I am