A story came into my head of you yesterday, it found me when I was sleeping and drove me to seek the colours of my youth. Time moves so quickly, I look at what could have been only to find I am still treading the water of wishing without an outcome. What if we had done it another way, what if we could have been friends, would the end result still be the same. Distant phrases, furtive glances, slowly dancing around the perimeter of life. Dreams unfinished, colouring my day, I wait in hope that you will come my way. Time increases the skin into uncontrollable folds, ashamed of the changes, hidden away from sight, my mind call to me to seek your presence, the seeker gives up the journey to sit in comfortable solitude. Tears tumble leaving stream lines on the cheek, disguise, pretend, put on a happy face it is so easy to show the world nothing of my fate. So the story goes I am now an ordinary person, nothing to show, no partner to dream with, nothing to say I was here, I only hope you remember that I left a few footprints on your heart as you left many upon mine.

Song of a Sun Flower

I stood beside the sunflower

Asked her about her rise to fame

She looked me in the eye told me to release my shame

Be not afraid my girl of standing in your light

You shine beside me now I see

Just as I do for you and thee

We share a journey

Of colour we two dance

Our conversations swayed to the lovers of romance

Sing to me oh sweet one

Praises held so deep as she sweeps me off my feet

She whispered in my ear

Never be afraid to stand up tall and touch the sky

The sun will be your alibi

Be yourself, never camouflage

You will find delight when you claim your right

Be not forsaken

You were never lost

Shine your light from within

Like a beacon you will call

Remembering the union

of the Sunflower of so tall

Ode To Grace

I stood beside a sunflower who was reaching for the sun she remindered me of a friend so long ago who took me by the hand. She opened up a door, invited me to peer into another part of me. Creative options tumbled through Georgia, Matisse Van Gogh and lets not forget my most obsessive Johnny Depp. I would like to thank her, but she no longer is a friend, sadness at the separation, acceptance of the loss. I would like to take time to remember the times of laughter and tears we shared upon New Years. She was my friend, soul sister for a time, I believe the contract was hers and mine, that if I should forget who I truly was she would slip beside me remembering what I forgot. Sorry for unkindnesses I would like to say "You showed me freedom and there was no greater day, to remember you as a Sunflower than today

Time Flys

I can't believe we are into November already. Things have turned once again the block didn't sell so no deposit available for me to buy a house, dad is still unwilling to sell his place to pay me back so I find myself in a catch 22 situation, he gets upset with me for asking about it and I get upset because I can't see any way out of this situation. Please shoot me if I get old and uncompromising, I really want to die before I get like that.

Relationships? Where do I start, I think I have completely given up here, I don't think of myself as being attractive anymore and wonder if this is it for me in this lifetime. I find myself unwilling to consider anyone less than perfect so I remain alone. I don't find myself interested in meeting new people yet I yearn for company, but company of people who understand me???? Is that too much of an ask. I miss old dear friends who are scattered over Australia and find my mind wandering to distant places wishing I was still there.

Unfulfilled dreams and desires, I remember the desires which took me away from the reality of my life, pulled me into places which we filled with fantastical images and outcomes only to find I was still in the same place.

Friday Night

Staying positive and trusting the process as the land contract has been extended by another 2 weeks for finance. The Real Estate Company seem positive that it will happen, had hoped that I would know today the outcome to prepare for the move and let the Real Estate Rentals know of my leaving. I have begun to clear the spare room once again, buying storage boxes for the fabric I want to keep and giving away things that I no longer need. I keep visualising me being in the house and what I want to do to it. Another thought I haven't heard from the Building Inspector, I thought he was going to call me, oh well something else to follow up. Learning how to approach others and be patient, something I learnt while living in Melbourne, when a train doesn't turn up there is nothing that can be done you get there when you get there, everyone understands as they are usually in the same boat or have been. I am visualising vegetable gardens with meandering paths out the back, a nice patio area to sit and relax and lots of roses and lavender as they are robust and don't need a lot of attention. Inside I am planning a new rug of bright colours, new fridge, lead lighting new oven and great vibrant colours in all rooms.

Home of My Own

The week has been a determined one to find a way to borrow the money to purchase a place of my own, I spoke to Bank SA yesterday and they state that the government have the say in the amount I can borrow, not quite sure I believed him, he said my pays were sporadic, again this is untrue as I have a weekly wage go in and have had since I returned. I have been looking over the net at other options and there seem to be others that could be possible. In the meantime I am off to Murray Bridge tomorrow to look at a small home on a small block and Sunday to Goolwa to review the unit I looked at which has been reduced in price, this one will require painting, new carpets and kitchen and bathroom update eventually. The thing I liked about it was it had a separate garage, a common area out the back and a covered in patio area which could accommodate the cats and or my creative workspace. Belief, Faith and Perseverance are my continuing thoughts this week

Home of my own

This last two weeks have brought with it lots of tears, seemed the universe was sharing the same view sending down lots of rain which we desperately needed, a true reflection of where I had been. One bank told me I was too old for a home loan wanting me to repay in 15 years instead of the usual 30, so once again I have been skidding between "There Must Be Another Way" (ACIM) and making choices allowing the overwhelm to push me over or struggle through and see what is on the other side. Awareness surfaced today as I allowed myself to work with a piece of artwork which triggered an old story where I am brought back to the place of my little girl repeating "Dance for your Daddy", a place where I have been before but in that instance I was unable to see the manipulation, guilt and coercing that was happening for me. I know now I need to stand up and voice my disappointment and stay focused on the outcome, which is having a place of my own and going for it regardless of the odds. What is it Napoleon Hill talks about Desire, Faith, Auto Suggestion, Specialized Knowledge, Imagination, Organized Planning, Decision & Persistence. I find myself missing a few along the way, so I will use this blog to assist me in facing the ones which may be the missing link in achieving my desired outcome. Yes I have the Desire, faith sometimes goes tumbling down the rabbit hole only to surface again when I regain balance. Auto suggestion, now probably need to explore this one a little deeper. Organized planning I am putting together a small deposit and continue to make installments in my savings account.

Specialized Knowledge I have been searching out the best options within my budget seem to have found one Home start although they only lend a small amount this could change in the next 3 months as my income increases.

Yes I have made the decision to buy my own place, and Persistence just because one bank has said no doesn't mean another will.

So here we go I will keep you posted on the outcomes as tomorrow I will set off to Murray Bridge to view some potentials.